I’m starting to feel disappointed. I came to this new restaurant, Make America Eat Sh!t Again, so excited to support a place that was redefining what a restaurant is, because restaurants where you can get good healthy food for a reasonable price have been non-existent for the past four years.
So when I ordered the house special, Maggots and Feces, I was hopeful.
The menu did say the dish was composed of ‘a deconstruction of the lowest form of parasitic life, smothered in a mantle of foraged fox fecal matter, prepared with an infusion of boiling hate, a white supremacy glaze and garnished with 34 felony convictions,’ but I assumed that description was, I don’t know, a simile? Or do I mean metaphor?
Anyway, what came to the table was an inedible pile of you-know-what, and frankly I’m shocked. This is not what I thought I was getting. Even though it said it right there on the menu. I may have forgotten my reading glasses. In any case, it’s not my fault.
Then there were the drinks. Our waiter described the restaurants' signature cocktail, ‘The Agent Orange’ as ‘a pungent, chaotic whirl of Coca-Cola Oreo Zero, vodka, rat excrement and Tang, prepared table side.’ Well guess what happens when you put a carbonated drink into a blender and neglect to put the top on? I’m still picking vermin poop out of my hair.
Also, side note, why do the napkins look like toilet paper?
And don’t get me started on the prices. That maggot dish set me back 100 bucks! You’d think at that price it would include a free Heimlich maneuver, but no, they tacked on a $50 ‘service fee’ when I started to gag and retch and one of those foreign looking waiters wandered over to slap me on the back. This made me very uncomfortable since this restaurant was advertised as a place where Americans can eat in peace and I do not feel peaceful surrounded by foreigners.
Evidently the staff is all from either the local community college communications department or another country, but it’s clear no one knows what they’re doing.
I asked the head waiter if I could speak with the owner about my concerns and he said,”Oh lady. The owner knows absolutely nothing about the restaurant business. I’m in charge and frankly I don’t give a flying feculence about your concerns.”
Rude.
The funny thing is, this was a special invitation, preview seating - the place hasn’t even officially opened yet! You’d think they’d appreciate a little feedback.
Maybe Make America Eat Sh!t Again just needs some time to work out the kinks. Or maybe I just need to find a way to choke down a dish like Maggots and Feces.
I just didn’t expect to get exactly what I ordered.
By Christine Stevens
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